Tuesday, March 20, 2012

More Notes on Last Week

I'm beginning this post with the aspect of the week that I feel completely awful about. I'm going to start using real numbers here because, a) I doubt many people read this, and b) those who do probably don't care how much I weigh, but also c) it will be helpful to me to speak with specificity about what's going on.

So basically about a year ago I reached my highest weight, 193. I'm 5'7" so that put me at just over "obese" on the BMI scale. I know there's a lot of controversy surrounding BMI and how accurate it is, but it's really the only way I know how to measure my health based on weight. I didn't feel obese a year ago. I definitely didn't look the way I imagine obese people to look. But I knew I didn't feel good. I started C25K again (for, like, the 5th time) and started going to the gym again (for, like, the 5th time). I think I dropped about 2 or 3 lbs overall. Then I switched jobs. My new job was far more physically active. I was constantly walking around the office, or running around the warehouse. By December, I was down to about 185, and I've pretty much been there ever since. I'm not going to say I was feeling great about my body, but I didn't have a whole lot of self-loathing, and my ASSETS from Target certainly helped during the holidays when I had to wear form fitting dresses.

Anyway, fast forward to mid-January when I started Weight Watchers. Immediately, I dropped 2 lbs. I stayed around 182-183 for about 2 or 3 weeks when I wasn't really taking it seriously. Then, in February, I became religious about tracking my food and getting my workouts in. About 2 weeks ago I was down to 177, the lightest I'd been since Eric and I started dating. And in 2 weeks, I completely destroyed all of that hard work. I've binged the last two weekends, and told myself it would be fine since I had saved up my points. That was BS. I felt gross and guilty and refused to track, because I knew that I'd gone over even my activity points. Besides that, my body was trying to get used to a new, healthy way of eating, and I was sabotaging it over the weekend. I'm back up to 184.2, and I know exactly why. It sucks, and at times I feel like a failure. I had finally lost that hint of a double chin I'd been seeing for the last year, and in two weeks I got it back.

I've found these last two weeks to be a wake up call. Weight Watchers really is about creating a new healthy way to eat, and I can't spend the weekdays thriving and the weekends reverting. I HAVE to stick with it all the time. Sure, a drink here or a second serving there won't kill me, but if I'm being honest, these past few weekends were about 3 drinks here and several servings, oh and the popcorn, and the Coke (I gave up soda 2 years ago), and the Doritos (I hate Doritos, so I can't even explain this one).

No. I have to be more strict with myself. I know that now. It's going to be harder than I first thought, but I WANT this. I need this.

Letting go of alcohol is harder than one might imagine, but not necessarily for the reasons one might imagine. During the week of March 5 I said no Weekday Alcohol. And I stuck with that, easily. That's also the week I hit 177. I figured cutting out alcohol would be a great and easy way to help myself drop a few pounds. Eric once explained something sciencey to me about the way that your body will burn off the sugar from alcohol before it starts burning the rest of your caloric intake because it's easier to burn the sugars. The way I interpret that (which may be totally false) is that, if I eat dinner and drink a beer, when I work out I'm only burning off the beer and not any of the food I ate. I don't know. To me, this seems silly, so I might as well cut out the beer, right?

Alright, so that first week, it went well. Then the weekend came, I didn't just have a drink, but like 12, had the drunk munchies, then the hangover munchies, then packed on 5 lbs. 5 lbs in two days. REALLY, JENNY?

Well then this past week happened. I had planned to stay within my allotted daily points and not dip into my weekly points, so I could use them over the weekend. But Monday we went out with some friends to Taco Mac, and everyone ordered a beer. Tuesday was a bad day for Eric, so we went out to one of our favorite pubs, and everyone had...well several beers. Thursday we had a friend over for burgers, and they had wine. There's something about being the only one in a social situation not drinking that makes me feel awkward. And it's REALLY stupid, I know, because every single person we hung out with this week is super supportive of my attempt to lose weight. And it is definitely super self-involved to think that they would have any opinion whatsoever on what I'm drinking with my meal. But, when everyone around me is drinking, I feel the need to join in.

So anyway, as a way to avoid the self-inflicted awkward situation, as well as help my diet in general and my budget, I'm just going to avoid eating out on weeknights. It's much easier to control myself when I'm home, so for now that's what I'm going to do.

I have to say, with all of the failure lack of success this week, I am very thankful that I gave myself a non-weight related goal. Tracking C25K and completing each workout makes me feel so accomplished. I feel especially great this week since W4D2 was apparently such a challenge on the dreadmill treadmill. My problem is that I try to maintain an unrealistic pace (12 min/mi) during the jogging phase because I can see the number at all times. I refuse to slow down until I'm too exhausted to continue, and then I can't finish. Moving outside to the road, there are no numbers to maintain, so I just go as fast or as slow as my body will let me. Once I hit the road, I was able to finish D2 and D3. And, since the weather has turned to spring already, it's nice to have a reason to be outside, and to get some sun.

This week, the running intervals are increased to 5 mins x3 with 3 min walking intervals. By this weekend, according to the program, I should be able to jog 2 miles or 20 mins without stopping. That's something I've literally never done in my entire life, but after this weekend, I feel like it's totally possible. So while the scale may not be moving in the right direction, and my will power is made of Jello, I did accomplish some great things this week with my running, and I'm really excited to keep going.

On top of that, I've also been keeping track of my miles, and I logged over 10 this week. It's just really nice to have something outside of weight loss to focus on and be proud of.

This is hard. Much harder than I anticipated. But I will win. I will be healthy. It will be awesome. On the plus side, Eric has been extremely supportive over the last two months. He comments almost daily about how toned I'm starting to look (mostly just my legs), and how happy I seem. We love each other, and are clearly attracted to each other, but it's no secret that we're kind of a chubby couple. Finding the right balance of support without being offensive is a serious skill that he's mastered (and I'm still trying to figure out). He gets an A+ this week.

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