2014: Year in Review, the Bad

You know when someone asks you if you want the good news or the bad news first? I always pick the bad news. I want to rip the band-aid off, and then end on a high note.

I thought 2013 was a wild ride - between starting my dream job, then being fired for the first time in my life, then celebrating E's college graduation- I'd never had had such emotional whiplash!

But 2014 looked me right in the eye and said "Sorry, girl. I don't think you've had enough yet."

I'm looking forward to 2015 and all of the new opportunities and life changes it might bring, but in order to do that, I need to reflect on this year. I want to stare right back into the eyes of 2014, accept the crap that came our way, and then put it away. The good stuff - and there's a lot of good stuff, don't get me wrong - I'll treasure and hold on to. But I'll get to that in my next post.

So. 2014. I started the year "unemployed". I had a job, actually, working at a local wine shop (that's one of the great things that I'll talk about next time). I absolutely loved working there, and I'm so grateful to the owners for helping me when I was really down. But if we're being completely honest, it was really, really tough, financially. I was barely making a living wage working full time hours, which lead to enormous amounts of stress related to paying down my debt. I'd lie awake at night worrying that we'd eventually be homeless, and I'd have to move back in with my parents.

Fortunately, I started a new salaried position on January 27. Whew. Problem solved!

So, that weekend, E went on a ski trip with a friend and broke his leg! He was completely helpless for the first 2 weeks or so, bless him. I didn't mind taking care of him at all, but because he was unable to stand, much less walk, for about 2 months, he was effectively unemployed. And paying high medical bills. So the financial stress just lingered, like an unwanted house guest, for months.

E was finally cleared to go back to work sometime in April, and was back to full time by May.

Then tragedy struck. My uncle passed away suddenly, leaving his two adult sons absolutely heartbroken and given the task of dealing with what comes after. My mom and I went down to Florida to help where we could and provide a little bit of support. It was an incredibly difficult time for my cousins, for my mom, for my grandmother. I certainly spent time reflecting on the good memories I had, but I felt more like a witness to the grief of others. My uncle and I weren't close, and honestly didn't have a very good relationship at the time that he passed. Instead, I focused on being a shoulder for those around me. I hope I provided some comfort. His death started me thinking of my family, its history, its drama, its heartbreak. His service was held at sea, on a speedboat, attended by 2 of his 3 sons, his daughter, son-in-law, sister and myself. It was small and lonely, and just really damn sad.

Summer passed, and it was finally time to deal with something I haven't really spoken about publicly. Last September I found a lump in my breast. I started a post about it several times, but nothing I wrote sounded right to me. I found a lump in my breast. It's one of the greatest fears a woman has to face. Maybe not THE greatest, but it's up there. I found it last September and went to a doctor immediately. After a brief examination, the doctor told me it was unlikely to be cancer, and that I could wait for my health insurance to kick in before scheduling further tests. At the time, we assumed my insurance would start in November, but instead I was unemployed. Once I started my new job, my benefits kicked in immediately, but it was a high deductible plan, and I had to wait until I had money saved.

So in September I went back to my doctor, who stated I needed a mammogram and potentially an ultrasound. Also, I didn't have one lump anymore, I had several. I scheduled my mammogram for the following week, and had an ultrasound on the same day. I was told I needed to schedule an appointment with a specialist immediately, and that there was a "potential for malignancy". HO. LY. SHIT. I was put in touch with a family friend, who happened to be a breast specialist, and got in within 2 weeks. After several hours of waiting, sitting with cancer patients and survivors, generally working myself into a self-pitying frenzy, another ultrasound was performed, and when I finally got to see the doctor her first words to me were "it's not cancer!". Thank. G-d. She determined it was most likely a fibroadenoma, but it could be another type of cyst, so a biopsy would need to be performed. She then said there was a miniscule chance that it was cancer, but that she would be absolutely shocked based on all of the evidence. So. Back again the next week, biopsy performed, confirmed it was a fibroadenoma, scheduled surgery, went to surgery, the end!

And then 5 days later my grandmother passed away. My grandmother was...complicated. Her life was complicated, her relationships were complicated, she was complicated. I loved her in a way that you're supposed to love your relatives, but she was mean and spiteful, and in the end she'd become a huge burden to my parents, who she'd lived with over the last year or so. I used to say things like "bad people have families too!". I was back at the office on Monday, and around 1:00 my mom called me to tell me it was over. My grandmother had been declining for the last 2 years, but in the last few months, almost immediately following my uncle's death, she lost the ability to speak. Her quality of life was just not there. She passed away in her bed, with her caretaker by her side. My mom went home immediately and sat with her until the funeral home could come. I went home to be with my mom, but couldn't bear the thought of seeing my grandmother, my Nana, gone. I sat in the breakfast room, working from my laptop, when I heard a commotion. I got up to see the funeral home had arrived, and they were taking my Nana away. I saw her hand fall out from under the sheet, and I just lost it. The next few hours were rough, with my mom trying to make the arrangements. There was confusion, and anger, and sadness. And there was fighting. So much fighting. I went home that night and cried for hours. It really is true, you have no idea how much you'll miss someone until they're gone. I was so angry with my Nana while she was here, and as soon as she wasn't I just wanted to feel her stroke my hair again, or hear her sing to me. It hadn't occurred to me that I would be so sad, so I wasn't prepared for the grief that followed. My mom and I went to Boston the next week for the funeral. Nana was laid to rest next to her parents, and her daughter, my Auntie Nancy.

It was an another incredibly difficult time, and almost immediately following that, E quit his job. It's not my place to talk about it here, but suffice it to say that we'll be starting the new year with another unemployment, and another few months of financial stress.

I have both friends and family who have suffered so much worse, and my problems weren't insurmountable. I know have a lot to be thankful for, and believe me I'll cover it all in my next post. But this has been the most difficult year of my life so far. So, my apologies for being uncouth, but 2014 can blow me.

2014 Resolutions Recap - This Should Be Fun!

Well. It's Decemeber, and I haven't posted since...January 7. HA! So I thought I'd pop in and give a little update. How'd my resolutions go?


1. Stay organized so I don't have the urge to buy things.


This has actually gone pretty well. E and I spent the month of January purging our closets, our books, our kitchen. We got rid of anything that didn't serve a purpose, from clothes that didn't fit, to appliances we didn't use, to books we hated from college. We moved in July, and we've tried very hard to fill our new home with only items we love, while keeping the house itself clean and tidy.

As far as clothes go, I've still gone shopping a bit, but I've tried very hard to keep my wardrobe as pared down as possible. It's a struggle, since I definitely get an emotional high from buying new things, but I've really been buying more intentionally so I know I'm on the right track.

I signed up for StitchFix a few months ago, and I'm loving it. It sounds crazy, but I think it's helped me spend less. Because I'm staying organized, and only buying what I love, I always know what I have. I can tell the stylist what I'm looking for to fit into my wardrobe, and then I wait to see what I get. There have been several times I've walked around Target or Banana Republic and wanted to purchase an item, but I've stopped myself because I want to wait for my "fix" first. I will only purchase something when I'm out if I truly LOVE it, or if I "need" it to fill a hole in my closet, like a black t-shirt or something. Then, because the clothes from StitchFix are higher quality, but more expensive, I'll also only purchase the items that I LOVE from them. So I'm filling my wardrobe with things that look great on me, and that work with other pieces that I already own, and I'm not just making impulse purchases of items I'm ready to get rid of a month later.

All of that being said, staying organized and buying less is still a big priority for me in 2015.

2. Eat more whole foods and cook at home every night (eat out no more than once a week per meal*).

Well, once we moved to the grocery store wasteland, keeping our house stocked with fresh produce became difficult. However, since I work from home 2-3x per week now, I have lots of time to cook, so we really eat at home almost every night. I eat lunch at home when I'm working there, but when I go into the office, I like to take full advantage of my face to face time with co-workers, so I end up eating at the local cafe. I do try to make healthy choices, and grab a huge salad filled with TONS of fruits and veggies 9 times out of 10. It's not great on my wallet, but it's worth it for the extra fellowship time. 

3. Take Johnny for more walks - at least 3 times per week and at least 6 miles total per week. C'mon now. You have no excuse.

Well, I had no excuse, and this still didn't work out. Johnny goes for walks almost weekly, ranging from 1.5 to about 3 miles. We live close to a big park where we go on Sundays for the Farmer's Market, and we walk to the locally owned pet store for bi-weekly baths. So, we're doing better than when we lived in the apartment, but not nearly as great as we could be doing.

4. Write more (400 words per day, 5x per week).

Have you seen the blog? Did you read that first paragraph? Yeah. No, this hasn't happened. Clearly. I did write a short story on my beach trip though!

5. Read more (26 books at least).

I did not read 26 books. I read a few, especially during my beach week, but still not enough.

6. Do your G-D PHYSICAL THERAPY OR ADMIT THAT YOU WILL AMPUTATE YOUR LEG IN 10 YEARS, DUMMY.

Yeah. They're going to have to amputate my leg.

Resolution #2: Eat More Whole Foods and Cook at Home Every Night

Eat more whole foods and cook at home every night (eat out no more than once a week per meal*).

I know it's very popular to resolve to eat better, exercise more, lose weight, etc., but that's not what I'm doing here. I want to lead a healthier, more intentional life. I'm not trying to diet, or get to a size 4. I just want to be happier and I know that healthier food gets me there. I've tried this before, and I felt great.

In 2008 or so, I quit drinking soda, except for the occasional Jack and Ginger or Jack and Coke. Lately though, for some strange reason, I've been craving good old fashioned Coca Cola Classic. And I've been succumbing to that craving, having had well over 10 sodas in the last month (more than the last 5 years COMBINED).

My problem with drinking soda is not that it's full of sugar and bad calories. My problem with drinking soda, and eating junk food in general, is that it's full of chemicals. In fact, I firmly believe that the "Food" industry is stuffing us with food-like products and not food itself. It creeps me right the hell out. A preservative here and there never hurt anyone, but the fact that I really have to search high and low for a loaf of bread, pasta, ice cream, or sauce that have only ingredients that I can pronounce just ain't right.

Junk food in general hasn't been my thing for years. I'm lucky enough to have a great cook for a partner, and I'm not half bad myself, so 9 times out of 10 I prefer a good homecooked meal or a salad to eating out. But sometimes life gets in the way, and I'll enjoy some Burger King or Taco Bell with the rest of middle America. Or I'll "cook" the fastest foods with the easiest prepackaged ingredients. It's not good, guys.

So, for starters, I'm taking a look at the prepackaged foods I love the most, and trying to find better, healthier versions.

Take salsa, for instance. I can eat an entire container in one sitting. And salsa, as a rule, is not that bad for you. It's all vegetables and spices. But again, prepackaged foods with their preservatives give me the heebie jeebies, so why not try an at home version? Well, I did. Yesterday. And it was DELICIOUS. Did it take a little bit of extra time? Sure. But I know it was worth it. Next stop? Home made tortilla chips.

I also want to make sure that I'm keeping healthy whole foods on hand, so I can cut out the fast food element. This is a fun resolution for me. I LOVE to cook, and I love to eat. And I just so happen to have about a bajillion recipes that need testing. Finding the right balance between making too much and too little has always been a challenge for me, but hopefully this is the year that I can figure it out.

Another good boost to this resolution is that I'm lucky enough to live within 3 miles of a fantastic Farmer's Market style grocery, and I work within a mile of a local butcher. There's really no excuse for me to not make better choices.

*Currently I'm underemployed, so the idea of eating out is laughable. But once I do find more gainful employment, one lunch a week, or one date night out doesn't seem like a crazy splurge.

Resolution #1: Stay Organized So I Don't Have the Urge to Buy Things

I figured I'd elaborate on each resolution so that, if over the course of the year I fall off track, I can come back here and remind myself of the overwrought and phony glow of hope the New Year brings and try to recapture it.

So. Resolution numero uno.

Stay Organized So I Don't Have the Urge to Buy Things

My apartment is a mess. It always has been. I was a messy child, a messy teenager, a messy college student, and as it turns out, a messy adult.

I came across this article just last night actually, and Kaplan's experience is so familiar to me, it's eery.

Magazines: Yep. I started collected Teen People from the very first issue. I thought it might be a keepsake some day. I bought every issue in its first two years of publication and refused to throw them away until well after my 2006 college "graduation". Eventually Teen People turned into Seventeen, Rolling Stone, Cosmo.

Now, it's not gossip rags that I hang on to, it's cooking magazines. Cooking Light, Bon Appetit, Whole Living, Clean Eating - the list could go on. For a long time I didn't want to throw them away because of the recipes.

I've come up with a temporary solution. For now, I've gone through each and every magazine, spanning the last 3 years. I've ripped out every recipe that I think I'd like to make some day, and I plan to organize them into files (chicken, shrimp, steak, appetizer, cocktail, etc.). At the very least I've gotten rid of the bulk of each magazine, and kept what I consider to be the most important part. At some point down the road I'll have to challenge myself to actually utilize the recipes, but for now, I'm just happy to be slightly more organized.

Clothes: "It was easy for me to mistake my closet for a scrapbook, to treat old clothes like souvenirs of where, when and who I was when I got them." THIS. This quote is perfect. Really. But I've started to purge. It isn't always easy to say goodbye to the past, but I know logically it's a little ridiculous to have an emotional attachment to a skirt.

Books: Well, look. I went to a liberal arts school and ALL books are sacred. That being said, I've gone through my shelves and selected around 30 books that I either disliked or have no intention of ever reading, and those will go to the local library system.

Beyond that, I’m decluttering, decluttering, decluttering. Eric and I would like to move this summer, and I don’t want the 4 or 5 boxes of random, half-empty, half-used, forgotten, crap.

Actually, as simple and trite as it sounds, I’d really like to live more “intentionally.” I want to own only things that matter. Whether it’s art, keepsakes, clothes, cleaning supplies, notebooks, whatever. I have this terrible habit when I’m in Target or the mall or the grocery store. I tend to buy things not because they add value to my life, but because I think they might help me create the picture of the life I want. I can’t tell you how many Ikea boxes, Old Navy blouses, throw pillows and kitchen utensils I own right now that go unused. When my house is a mess, or my closet is in disarray, I tend to think that this “one more thing” will REALLY help me out in achieving that picture perfect Pinterest lifestyle.

But we all know it won’t. A clean, organized, intentionally built home is a all I need. I know that. When my apartment is at its cleanest, I’m calmer, a little happier, far less stressed, and I honestly tend to buy less.

So the decluttering and deep cleaning will continue. I know it will be an on-going challenge, but I’m up for it.

Reflections for the New Year

It's been a while. Hello. 2013 seemed like a banner year for me. I got a great promotion at work, Eric and I signed a lease for our 3rd year, and then I applied for and was offered what seemed like a dream job. I saw a posting on Facebook the other day that said "When something goes wrong in your life, just yell 'Plot Twist'!"

Um.

PLOT TWIST.

I lost my job. I've been working on a post about it for a few weeks, but it's hard to really organize my thoughts and write a compelling but structured post about it. Let's just say, so far in my life, losing my job is the absolute worst thing that's ever happened. I know there are worse things yet to come, but SO FAR, this has been the absolute worst.

Trying to keep from tumbling into a deep depression, I'm forced to find the silver lining, and lucky for me, there have been a few glaring ones.

1. I'm surrounded by the most amazing and supportive people on the planet. I don't know how I got to be so lucky, but it's true.
2. I've learned a v.e.r.y. important lesson in finances. Make savings a priority. Seriously. Just do it.
3. Living under-employed, while absolutely terrifying, has been kind of relaxing. I work about 20-30 hours a week at a lovely wine shop. My hours permit me to spend some time at home getting the house in order. I've had a chance to spend a lot of time with Eric (who has been AMAZING).

I'm terrified that eventually I will run out of money, and I won't be able to pay my bills. That's a very real possibility. But, you know, hopefully that won't happen.

As for 2014, aside from getting a full-time job, here are my resolutions:

1. Stay organized so I don't have the urge to buy things.
2. Eat more whole foods and cook at home every night (eat out no more than once a week per meal*).
3. Take Johnny for more walks - at least 3 times per week and at least 6 miles total per week. C'mon now. You have no excuse.
4. Write more (400 words per day, 5x per week).
5. Read more (26 books at least).
6. Do your G-D PHYSICAL THERAPY OR ADMIT THAT YOU WILL AMPUTATE YOUR LEG IN 10 YEARS, DUMMY.

*This applies for when I do start making money again. I have a bad habit of "needing" Mexican food or Olive Garden on the regular.